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(Rose is dating a friend from work at the Grief Counseling Center, Dr. Jonathan Newman, who's a midget, when Blanche walks out of her bedroom and notices him.)
Blanche: I'm sorry but we already have a subscription to the Miami Herald.
Dorothy: Oh, Blanche this is Dr. Jonathan Newman, Rose's date.
Blanche: But Dorothy, he's...
Dorothy: (cutting Blanche off) ..A little early! Yes!
(Then Rose walks out from the Kitchen)
Rose: Oh hi Jonathan.
Jonathan: Hello Rose, you're looking lovely tonight!
Blanche: (Beginning to chuckle.) Rose Nylund, you devil you!
Dorothy: Blanche!
Blanche: I know what's going on here! You were mad at Dorothy and I for inviting your friend to dinner without asking, so you hired this boy to come and teach me a lesson! (Delivering a fake punch to Rose's arm. Blanche looks at Rose) Hehehehehehe! (Then she looks at Dorothy) Hehehehehehe!! (Then Blanche looks straight ahead towards the audience) Heheheheeeee! Oh God I wish I was dead!
Dorothy: Let's go into the kitchen and get the auderves.
Blanche: Good idea.
(The two walk into the kitchen)
Blanche: Oh God I made a fool out of myself, didn't I?
Dorothy: Yes!
Blanche: Oh God, I just feel so awful! I've got to stop this!
Dorothy: If you don't want this night to turn into a total disaster then I suggest you go back out there and act normal.
Blanche: Yes. You're right. Dr Newman is a guest in our house. If I act strange then he'll think he's not welcome. I can't do that. It would be... unsouthern!
Dorothy: (Patting Blanche on the back) That's a good Belle!
(Blanche walks out of the kitchen with a plate of SHRIMP, as Dorothy follows.)
Blanche: (Holding the plate of SHRIMP out) Sh-Rimp?

Kevin: A geek is someone who stays at home on Saturday nights and curls up with a book instead of going out.
(Dorothy points her finger at Sophia)
Dorothy: One word out of you and I'll cut off your supply of Metamucil!

(Sophia walks into the kitchen)
Sophia: Hello girls, what's shaking?
Rose: Blanche's breasts! That's why she's--
Dorothy: Shut up Rose!

Blanche: I've decided what I'm gonna use my Bonus Check money for.
Dorothy: What?
Blanche: I'm gonna have my breasts enlarged!
Rose: Blanche, why would you want to do that?
Blanche: Rose, breasts are back in fashion! Besides, what God didn't give me, Dr.Newman will! He's the Picasso of Plastic Surgery!
Dorothy: Just make sure he doesn't attach one to your forehead!

Boss @ Sunny Pastures: So, you're here to check in your mother?
Sophia: No, I'm here to check in my collection of plates. Of course I'm here to check my mother in!

Boss: So, tell me about your mother's history.
Sophia: Picture it. Sicily. 1900. An olive skin woman sets out for the new world. On her journey, the ship is filled with all sorts of diseases like smallpox, consumption, and scurrvy. And that was in the business class.
Boss: I meant her medical history!
Sophia: What did you think I was talking about? The ride was no picnic! The woman jumped off the boat and swam into the ship's bulkhead! That's why they had to put a metal plate in her head which caused her to recieve HBO through her eyeballs.

Sophia: My hiney's asleep.
Dorothy: Fine, we'll keep our voices down.

Sophia: You know something, when I turn my hearing aid up to ten, I can hear a canary break wind in Lauderdale!

Sophia: I found my lucky handkerchief.
Rose:Where was it?
Sophia: It was in my bra.
Rose: What was it doing in your bra?
Sophia: I was blowing my breasts, Rose!

Rose: Do we have to kill the minks?
Sophia: No, Rose, many women like wearing coats that urinate!

(Rose slams the door after a date with Miles)
Blanche: Oh hi Rose.
Rose: Hi Blanche.
Blanche: What's wrong?
Rose: Oh it's Miles. Lately he's been kind of, well, tight and I hate it.
Blanche: Well I'm just the opposite, I love a tight man. Tight man with cast iron pecs....Thighs that could choke a bear.....Butt you could eat breakfast off of...Then the two of us would...(She looks at Rose) Well Rose! When'd you get in?!
Rose: Blanche, I've been here the whole time! I was telling you about Miles being tight!
Blanche: Oh I LOVE A TIGHT MAN! Tight man with cast iron pecs, and thighs--
Rose: No, tight with money! He's cheap!
Blanche: Tight with money? DUMP him!

Blanche: Tell me something, girls. Am I competent in what I do?
Rose: Based on the sounds from your bedroom, I'd say you're damn near spectacular!

Dorothy: Yes, Blanche. This is coming from a woman whose bumper sticker says:"So many Men, So little time."

Sophia: I need some advice, Rose.
Rose: And you are asking me?
Sophia: Frightening isn't it?

Dorothy: I'd kill Gloria if she wrote a book about my sexual life.
Sophia: You'd kill your sister over a pamphlet?
Dorothy: Shut up Ma!

Blanche: Charmaine, I cannot believe you'd do such a thing! This book is nothing but sheer and utter filth!
(Sophia and Stan's cousin Magda begin to fight over the last copy of Charmaine's book.)
Sophia: I got it first!
Magda: No I did!
Sophia: Did not!
Dorothy: President Reagan got it! Who the hell cares?!

(Charmaine calls)
Rose: Hello? Oh yes, hold on. Blanche, it's Charmaine.
Blanche: Oh, ok. (Walks over to the phone and slams it down.) Bye! Bye!
Rose: Blanche, you should be ashamed!! She's your sister!
Blanche: Yes and just when we were getting along she turns into a deceitful old woman who goes behind my back and makes a novel out of my life! No offense to you, Sophia.
Sophia: None taken...Slut.